Seeds {to bloom}: Stale

There’s no pleasure in stale. The texture, consistency, flavor, experience is all warped when something is stale.

When we expect different and wind up with disappointment, it can leave us feeling stale.

When we get into a rut and go on autopilot, no intention just doing by habit, it can make us stale.

When we begin to lose sight of blessings, only focused on the mundane, we see our life as stale.

When we forget the astounding grace, poured out richly and extravagantly upon us by God when He calls our name as His children, our existence becomes stale.

I’m making it real here today. There’s been a boredom cultivated by a flat functioning without flavor sometimes. Day in and day out can leech desires, strip zest, drain purpose, and leave behind stale.

It’s going to take some engaging out of autopilot, moving away from discontent, and pursuing real life in a true way. Even if that means pushing into some dark corners and working a little harder, a life with flavor and depth is worth the effort.

Are you feeling a bit stale? Going through the motions with no flavor? Maybe something needs to get checked. Time to get honest.

“So here’s what I think: The best thing you can do right now is to finish what you started last year and not let those good intentions grow stale. Your heart’s been in the right place all along. You’ve got what it takes to finish it up, so go to it. Once the commitment is clear, you do what you can, not what you can’t. The heart regulates the hands.”
2 Corinthians 8:10 (Msg)

Seeds {to Bloom}: Enough

As they went around the table clicking off my child’s mistakes and inadequacies, my hands clutched tight. And my heart clutched tighter as it tumbled and picked up speed towards fury at a group who only sees a decimal point of this precious one. Have they already decided that he’s too much? Have they already determined that he’s not enough?
And that fire burned and simmered for hours as I thought of him and his wonderful gifts, his tender heart being stamped with wounding messages.
He’s too much.
He’s not enough.
Oh, if you had seen the ugly crying you would know it was not all well with my soul. In fact, my soul felt ripped to shreds.
When the personal pain that you’ve spent a lifetime wading through and healing from is seen now, again, reflected in those other brown eyes, it shreds with a powerful force…and I forgot Truth.
All the fears and lies of inadequacy, of failure, of disappointing over and over were deposited, once again, smack-dab on my chest with a weight I could not carry.
Too much.
Not enough.
I’m still processing this ripped up place, but I know that staying in the spot where I’m feeding the hurt, and denying Truth, will not equip my son for his own journey towards being well in his soul and growing in trust that Jesus is just right and always enough.
It’s hard knowing that our protection from disappointment is limited and soul-wellness isn’t the absence of trouble, pain, failure or weakness; Rather, it’s the miracle of grace we can have in the midst of being overwhelmed by our inadequacy.
I am being prompted to remember that my struggles didn’t disqualify me from a kingdom calling or exempt me from grace. In fact, they propelled me to Jesus. My prayer is that my child would know the same Hope and rely fully on Christ’s sufficiency, not his own.
How about you? Are you well in your soul?

Jesus is {more than} enough.

“But he said to me,’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Seeds {to Bloom}: Thorn in the Flesh

A thorn in the flesh.

Cliff reached out to steady his stumble and his finger found the vicious point. The shock was instant, but over time the pain increased and pressure built as the spine stayed buried deep.

Interesting how such a small thing can dominate thought and function.

Every now and then, I am afflicted with skin sores. One is paining me now, right on my face. The affect is intense, the embarrassment is, well, embarrassing and it can really consume my thinking.

A small thing that feels huge. A small thing that reminds of frailty and susceptibility to weakness.

We are wrapped in flesh that is breaking down, is vulnerable, is weak. The suits we wear are not intended for perfection here. If they were perfect, pride would drive us towards independence from God. Our frailty exposes our need. And that is His grace.

No one craves the thorns. Yet, we can crave the Grace that is made perfect through the pain, the suffering, the reminders of our weakness.

Do you have a thorn, a place of soreness and pain? Whether it’s physical, emotional, mental, or relational….allow the thorns to move you towards reliance on His strength through your weakness.

It is sufficient.

And someday, because of HIS crown of thorns, you will be made whole, if you know Him.

“So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Seeds {to Bloom}: Awards Ceremony

Names. Lots and lots of names called for two long hours and none belonging to my child. It stings to hear of the accomplishments of some and know my son sits slumped in a chair, out of my vision, feeling a keen sense of disappointment and probably wondering if I am ashamed.

It’s hard to live in a world of measurement when you are on a different scale. I know the taste of bitter defeat and the weight of failure, how heavy it can feel. I spent many years wondering about my value because my name was never called and now I am feeling the same hurt for my child.

And yet, I do know brilliantly well that significance can not be weighed by paper or plastic medals. Value isn’t stamped by accomplishments. True worth can’t be measured on a scale of our own crafting.

Celebrating hard work and acknowledging achievement is not a bad thing. I beamed in pride for recognized faces on the stage. They should smile and enjoy the honor.

However, even those can feel the shame of invisibility and the truth of value must reach a deeper place.

My rocky road towards significance came when I finally {and painfully} understood that my greatest achievements fall desperately short to impress my Creator. All my earnest efforts to gain security and recognition are hollow if they are fueled to bring honor only to myself. Gaining the world’s approval and popular opinion can’t satisfy a deeper question: Do I matter?

That face-on-the-floor moment of finally asking God to help me with that question changed everything. When He spoke to my soul, whispering my worth, and His breath of grace swept through me like a tornado, I finally understood. I finally heard my name.

Do you struggle with feeling significant? Do you wonder if you don’t measure up?

Dear friend. You can know that glow of receiving the prize and feeling the honor of being called. Your signifance is already measured when you bear His name, the One who knows yours.

Turn your eyes towards the ultimate award, the sacrifice made for you, so that you may have Hope and a future.

Your name has been called.

“God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:8-10

Seeds {to Bloom}: other wounds

When other’s choices have a string tied to us, bringing consequences and pain that we didn’t invite, it can bore down deep. The bitter taste of another’s failure and selfish decisions can stay trapped in the soul, tainting perception and breeding dark.

Wounds can fester, getting infected and rotting the flesh, further hurting, and eventually destroying the wounded.

Sometimes we tailspin from what would seem as a minor cut: a hurtful word, rejection, not being understood, a mistake, sharp tone, confrontation, thoughtlessness, disdain, feeling forgotten. The list is long. Yet, the heart can lockdown like a fortress lickedysplit. These little slices can become bloody messes in no time without attention and a full measure of grace to bring the soothing.

The deeply gouging cuts leave the bloodied with a lifetime of choosing to heal and keeping the wound clean and free from debris. Daily, the scarred memories shape choices towards dark or light. The journey is not painless and yet the healing is beauty to a world that bleeds profusely.

We are here, connected to Him & each other, by His design. Are you receiving His grace in the deepest places of your hurt and disappointment?

“Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” Hebrews 12:15

Seeds {to Bloom}: empty swing

The empty and still swing caught my attention this morning.

It reminds me of hurt feelings, of words taken and twisted out of context, then used to silence companionship, to halt motion. How quickly our heart goes still, sitting empty.

Sometimes we just need time to process the disappointment and reality of others’ broken spots. Sometimes we must be still and ask for grace’s equipping to move again.

That swing can’t move itself. Its needs an occupant who pushes it into motion.

Our hearts are no different. We need an occupier who moves us towards grace, forgiveness and peace.

Today, I pray to be occupied. To be swung towards love, despite my strong instinct to stay empty.

Chasing Seasons

This was cross posted on Grace Church’s blog site.

The anticipation and excitement about the possibility of snow crackled like static electricity in our home. Obsessive weather checking by all members held our imaginations captive. We were prepared with supplies and ready for the blizzard, should it come.

When the snow finally came, we were joyous, until the freshness wore off, feet were cold, and the day got boring. Then it became a bother and discontent stirred. On to the next thing!

Now dreams of warm days, the beach, and spring flowers occupy my mind. The counting down has begun toward relief from this blasted winter season. But I’ve lived long enough to know that satisfaction doesn’t last long when our gaze is focused on what’s coming next, because each season holds it’s own beauty and hardship.

This analogy so readily applies to seasons of our life, as we chase definition and worth. I can remember obsessing about getting married when I was single, believing it would place a value on who I was. After I was married, I built fantasies around being a mother. After I was a mother, I would dream of the day when I would have my time, my body, and my space back. I focused so much energy on the next milestone that along the way I forgot to find satisfaction in Christ where he had me. I was always chasing the next season, wishing for something different and living frustrated.

In chasing the next thing, it’s impossible to live present lives.

Under the umbrella of His calling, as an EZER, my season isn’t as important because my worth is defined in the present. It doesn’t shift with circumstances, age, title or abilities. My Creator has established my value as essential. When I believe what He says, I am free to live out my calling for His glory in my here and now.  It’s not always easy, but it is a choice to engage the present or not.  Choosing contentment and satisfaction in His plan and my season equips me to love as His child.

But what does that actually look like?

When I am present, I am free to INVITE connection with an open heart and without resentment. I see this moment, this season, as a privilege and not as something to rush through.

When I am present, I am free to NURTURE the relationships that Jesus has placed in my life during that time and I can cherish the sweetness of each opportunity.

When I am present, I am free to PARTNER with others, knowing that I am also partnering with Christ, under His protection and authority.

FREEDOM. It’s what we all want. It’s what Christ paid for and He offers it to us now, in this present season to enjoy.  Daily, I must choose to recognize my season as a gift, ripe with opportunities to grow in my calling as I move toward Jesus. After all, like the weather in South Carolina, seasons change quickly. Chasing after the next only leads to exhaustion, and I would much rather live free than worn out.

Do you find yourself chasing after the next season? What does it look like for you to live free in the present?

S*E*X {So, what’s the big deal anyway?}

Our church has been talking about sex.

Yep…you read that right….SEX!! Are you uncomfortable yet? Or maybe you’re intrigued because just that word alone holds power, mystery and layers of meaning.

Goodness gracious. Talk about stirring the proverbial pot. Come on, is it really necessary?

When I heard that we were jumping into this subject for a month, I was annoyed. I didn’t want to hear a man talk about something so personal from the pulpit…in, um, mixed company. I have been there and done that…and it never went well for me. I have memories of uncomfortable sermons where shame was used to control “bad behavior” and the list of no! no! no! was long. I have squirmed with awkward tension as humor was used in a sensational way while talking about the sacred. I have felt the blast of failure as duties were listed. I have tasted the bitterness in my mouth as wounds opened again. I have experienced the scorch of the spotlight on my heart as the buried secrets became exposed.

In a nutshell, the subject of sex can be painful and scary. But why? [my thinking side acknowledges that there must be something broken here. I know this is not a good thing…and yet, why burn your hand on a hot stove? Avoid. Avoid. Avoid! right?].

I {dragging my feet, I tell you!} approached this series with guarded skepticism and massive temptation to sleep late and “miss” church (oops! somehow my alarm clock wasn’t working…) until we were back to safer ground. But no, God and my husband weren’t having any of that.

And…as I sat with rigid backbone, I felt a melting as words of hope and truth poured out from the mouths of humble men who gently shared God’s heart.

This place of guarded ice, huge assumptions, massive brokenness began to shift as I tuned my heart towards the beauty of what God says about me. It’s very personal, you see.

Your story is different, but the message is the same: YOU’RE IMPORTANT, YOUR PAIN MATTERS and HEALING IS POSSIBLE.

I have been reminded that He wired me for connection. This desire to connect fuels everything. And just like anything, it can be corrupted and tainted. And it has been, over and over again. However, the feminine stamp that God placed on me is His beauty expressed. There is no darkness found in what He created. Moving towards redeeming His creation is the essence of the Gospel. That IS the Good News. We can live rescued lives, where freedom to enjoy the benefits of His creation is known and blessed.

Why is this so hard? because IT.IS.COMPLICATED and, trust me, everybody has some kind of junk in this area.

Our culture has hijacked sex (along with our femininity or masculinity) and made it one dimensional and cheap, with no strings and no consequences. The church, historically, has also hijacked sex and made it dirty or duty.

BOTH are corrupt and broken and both leave bloody wounds and a trail of sorrow. Bondage and slavery.

But what if we shift our thinking, there in that secret place. What if we see intimacy in a whole new powerful way, no matter what season of life we’re living in.  What if we choose to heal and experience something profoundly deep?

Where does that start?

In this series on The Theology of Sex, the idea of AUTHORITY is overarching. And honestly, this is where I have felt pretty sore. My buttons are pushed here. Just the word gives me cold chills.

Yes, I have authority issues. It’s true {because I know what I know and I can do what I want!}. I’ve been working hard, all of these years, to be Autonomous. That’s right, I don’t want to need anyone, answer to anyone, submit to anyone.  Because, you know…that’s dangerous. Right? But therein lies the rub. The struggle goes back to the way I’m wired by my Creator. He designed me to need relationship, to crave intimacy under His authority. But self protection leads me towards being self governed where I reject His plan, His gift. Oh golly, what a mess.

So, we must look at our perspective of authority, whether single or married. To whom do we submit our hearts and bodies?

Ephesians 4:16-24

He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against Him.

They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity.

But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.

When we hoard or exploit our hearts and bodies, living as if they are ours alone in autonomy, we are living as a lost person with closed minds and hard hearts. But in Christ, under His authority, we have freedom to enjoy His gifts, whatever they are, as righteous and holy…with no sense of shame, not as the lost have in deception, but because there is none.

Connection, without shame. Sounds like Eden to me. Sounds like what HE intended all along.  As we seek Jesus and invite Him into all of the broken places we desperately try to cover, he replaces those flimsy fig leaves with His precious blood. And it’s under that blood (which establishes His authority), the healing comes and redemption is tasted as a appetizer for eternity.

Lists of duties, do’s and don’ts won’t bring freedom. But under HIM, His protection and authority, we will find rest and healing. Don’t be discouraged if this is a struggle, you’re not alone. It’s been going on since the fig leaves were stitched together in that first mad dash to self-protect. But He knows where you are, sees where you’re hiding and He’s seeking you anyway with eyes brimming with grace.

Be found.

Redeemed Wreckage

I wanted to share what I wrote for my church’s blog {Grace Church Greenville, SC} about my personal journey after tragically losing my nephew, Luke, last year. Grief is a process…and I think it changes it’s face daily. Ups and downs. Clinging to His Grace…and looking forward to that day when all tears are wiped away.

After three weeks of praying for a miracle, my twenty-two month old nephew was taken off of life support this time last year. His name was Luke and he leaves behind a twin sister. Not one day goes by that our family doesn’t breath in this reality. The pain, the wracking questions, the what-ifs are always gnawing and nothing sifts faith like sorrow. I have been wrestling with questions that before had neatly packaged answers.

Ironically, the study of the Gospel of Luke, that we’ve been in for several months, has thrust my heart into more churning. I have reluctantly been exposed as one of those followers who would prefer my Savior to conquer death in a showy and painless way. I have been found as a believer who feels let down by His will and His way and would rather He bid my will instead.  I have seen that dark fear resides deep in my soul and Jesus is unearthing my tight grip on control and lack of trust. For so long, I thought I was walking with Christ, but really I have been leading myself and expecting Jesus to keep up. It seems my trust hinged on God following my rules, not on His character. Trust me, I had no idea how broken my brokenness was. I thought I understood Him, but I have been stripped of what I thought and it continues, by His grace.

Nothing makes sense. And yet, the gift is so beautifully accessible.

An interesting theme in Luke is that Jesus came to collapse everything we have trusted in that isn’t Him and turn upside-down every human expectation. From the very beginning of Luke’s Gospel, the plot is wrecked for redemption.  In brief, we see: Angels appear, shocking ordinary people; a priest muted; a virgin that gives birth; lowly shepherds invited to worship; church officials rebuked; traditions scrambled; a carpenter upending the culture and touching the unclean; a humble leader with common followers and no money; a man who tells people to love their enemies and has command of the wind; and a Savior who dies so that we can live.

I am learning that this Gospel is not some buttercream icing theology that aims to answer all of my questions and help me get the warm and fuzzies. The true Gospel upends my resources and calls me to trust the One who has the power to break the curse of sin and heal my broken soul, while fear robs me of the very security I chase and breeds despair.

Pain is a reality for me, for all of us, and we’re always looking for ways to avoid it.  And yet, in surrender to Him, I’m finding that trusting, in spite of pain, brings mysterious peace and builds hope.  This journey of losing my precious nephew Luke has been difficult and painful, but I am also experiencing the soothing hand of God calm the raging storm inside of me with profound patience and tenderness.

I am thankful that the story is not over and that He is redeeming the wreckage, because that’s where beauty lies. As His beloved daughter, I have hope because I know that there is more. He is crafting something that doesn’t make sense right now, but in the lens of eternity will be a breath-taking piece of His story of redemption.

In the midst of suffering and anxiety, do you live like a daughter and trust in the intimate faithfulness and sovereignty of God? Or do you live like an orphan and become overwhelmed and consumed with despair?

Resolutions are hogwash

I have a track record of failure when it comes to resolutions. If anything, I think I go the opposite direction. Why is that?! So at midnight on New Years Eve, when most of the world was kissing strangers, making pacts, singing that song with strange words, etc…I was peacefully tucked away in my bed, next to my man {who was already snoring away}. I didn’t let anxiety rise thinking of where I blew it this past year, I didn’t bemoan the wrecked goals and gained pounds, but I did have one thought on how I would like to move forward into 2014. I have a theme, a hope, a desire…but don’t call it a resolution. I can’t take the pressure.

This thingy that I won’t call a resolution isn’t original at all. I am not clever enough to come up with something completely earth shattering. Although, if I’m honest, I really wish I was that clever. I mean, if I could come up with something totally original and unique I would be cutting edge brilliant, which would make my life so much simpler. But, nope, I’m not that good. So, my plan {ugh…idea} is to be….drum roll please…intentional. Big word, right? Thrown around sometimes, but let’s really look at it please.

It might just look like semantics: different word, same meaning. I hear you. But, for me, resolution has the ring of high hopes, plans, goals. Not bad stuff…but easily forgotten and a bit distant (at least for me). When I think of being intentional, it’s not future…it’s now. To BE something takes moment by moment thought. The verb implies action. So to be intentional means to live each moment on purpose.

Oh wow, I just got overwhelmed.

Hang on, let’s break this down so it doesn’t get swept under the resolution rug.

Let’s say I choose to live intentionally with my children. What does that look like? If my intention is to have relationship with my children, I will look them in the eye when they are speaking to me. I will listen. I will give feedback that restores, not destroys that relationship. If my intention is to instill respect and honor into my children, I will show respect towards them, their father, and others. If my intention is to teach them to give generously to others, I will weave that into my life. If my intention is to raise kids who become adults who have a good work ethic, I will work hard and not complain. If my intention is to see my children love God with all of their hearts, I must soften my heart and will to Him myself.

And what if I got intentional in my relationship with my husband. It’s easy to come up with the intentions HE should have! I’ve been good at that. But what if my intention is to have a marriage that’s a true partnership, then I must learn to partner with grace. If my intention is to have a marriage that is enjoyable, then I must be a joy to be with. If my intention is to have a pleasant life, then I must be pleasant. If my intention is to play more, then I must fret less. If my intention is to love my husband, then I must be inviting to love with a soft heart.

How would it look to get intentional about friendships, work, school, church, service, strangers, etc?

The cool thing is this isn’t a list of “to do’s,” {I seriously CAN’T do that!}. It’s a way of thinking that gets shaped over a lifetime from the inside. It can change everything.

Intention. That’s the word for 2014.

It takes a long range lens {ask: what are we building towards?}. And it takes short steps that are on purpose, marching towards the bigger plan. HIS bigger plan, towards really important things. Like relationships, character, service, love, eternity.

I know I won’t do it perfectly. And that’s what grace is for. God’s grace is bigger than all of our intentions. If we let Him birth those desires, He is able to fuel them with His power. I am thankful that He can use us despite our flubs.

Join me. Let’s get intentional together and see what happens.